Trapped in fear


Recently some of my friends and some complete strangers who read trauma or dramatics asked about how I got robbed. Which is funny to me because I kind of thought that they (my friends) heard the story or that we’ve already talked about it. But apparently many people don’t want to ask me about it because they think it will open up old wounds. But it doesn’t! 🙂

I have also had various conversations about what such an experience brings with it, because since that day a part of me was taken. I do not go home alone at night. I don’t even want to go home alone during the day but of course I can’t always be with people. I get nervous when I have to walk passed any group of guys. Now this is hard to explain, because I don’t get scared per se..I get nervous and I mentally prepare for situations that are not likely to happen.

I know this is just what’s left of everything that happened and I’ve heard more than once that

If this holds on maybe I should talk to a professional again.

And this might be true but I don’t think that’s it. I think it would be weird if I would not have any scars left. I know someone who experienced something similar and she never stepped into her car again, someone else who got robbed at an ATM is still legit afraid to go anywhere. They were both around my age when it happened to them, and they’re both in their 60’s now… It never leaves you.

But okay back to the story. I decided to give you a play by play; feel free to share as reference lol.


It was a Friday afternoon, I just got home from work to take a shower and get ready for some diner and drinks with friends at a friend’s brunch cafe. Like I’ve done many fridays before. Its a 5 min drive so I hopped into my car and looked for a parking spot.

I parked the car and opened the door. While opening the door I (as I always do) looked in my side mirror and saw someone running my way. I just figured that something was happening/ about to happen nearby so I was actually slowly closing my door again in case I had to drive away if something scary was about to happen.

Little did I know the scary thing wasn’t happening around me, it was happening to me.🤦🏾‍♀️

While closing my door, someone pulled it open aggressively and threw me in the car. At that point I was lying with my head on the passenger side and my legs on the drivers side with some complete stranger on top of me.

Now you know those situations where you talk about “what if” moments? I always said that if something like that happened to me that I would probably die from a heart attack or that I wouldn’t be able to move.

Well that wasn’t the case. The minute that guy was on top of me I started screaming my lungs out and started to fight like my life depended on it (which it kind of did I guess).

A moment which felt like minutes later I heard the guy yell ‘close the door! close the door!’ and that’s when I realized that he wasn’t alone.

The second he said that, I felt someone grabbing my shoulders and pushing me into the car. At the same time ‘the original’ guy at the driver’s side tried to push me in as well.

That’s when I realized that these doors can not close, whatever the cost. If they close, I’m either getting raped, killed or both.

Many people told me that it may not have been the best idea to fight them because it could’ve gotten me killed. And I had a moment that one of them was on top of me that I was thinking:

‘What if he has a gun…’

And I immediately knew that if he did, well than this was it… but I would fight with everything I got to get a chance to get out of that freaking car.

Anyway… so the guys were pushing me in and the one on the passenger side put his nasty hand on my mouth to stop me from screaming…guess he forgot that I have teeth.. I hope my bite left a mark as they both surely left a mark on me.

Even though I think I did everything I could possibly do at that moment, I felt like I wasn’t doing enough to get out of this situation and I realized my feet were near the steering wheel so I started to honk with my feet as much as I could.

Now the guy had to fight my legs and my arms which seemed to make it harder for him.

In the meantime an old guy on a bike who was passing by went to the cafe where I was suppose to go to, to tell the people there what was going on. Thank God because I wasn’t able to do this any longer.

Basically everyone I knew (and everyone I didn’t know) ran to help. The guy on the passenger side ran away because he knew he didn’t have any more time but the “funny” thing about the other guy was that when he realized that he had to run, we briefly looked into each other’s eyes (sounds wayyy to romantic but you catch my drift) and I saw the desperation. I saw him thinking

“Okay I need to take anything I can get, this couldn’t have been for nothing…”

So he grabbed my gold necklace (which my mom gave me 2 days before) and ran off.

The funny thing is that at the moment they ran off I was just standing there..like a zombie.. everyone was trying to find the guys and it was a funny sight actually. Me, standing next to my car just staring at nothing.

Obviously that was the shock. I didn’t feel anything yet, not on my body, not emotionally.

Forward to about an hour later. Everyone was at the cafe, one of the dudes was taken away by the police ( the ‘original one’ got away) my friends came right away, my family came right away.

Meanwhile I hadn’t shed a tear and it still seemed unreal. I did not want to go home because I knew reality would hit. So I stayed there as long as I could with so many people I trusted around me.


The aftermath

The night it happened I just kept staring at the ceiling. Adrenaline was so high that I couldn’t even close my eyes to try to sleep..I think I slept about 2 hours that night (read: that morning). I still did not feel any emotions and I still didn’t feel physical pain. I remember that when I woke up that I wanted to get out of bed and that’s when the pain hit me. I semi-screamed it out and when I went to the mirror I saw that basically the whole left side of my back down to the middle of my thigh was covered in bruises…still no emotion in sight.

When my emotions hit? The minute I had to get out of the house for the first time (I think about 2 days later). I didn’t go anywhere without my family or friends and every time I had to get out of a car I cried or felt like I wanted to cry because I was so scared and I did not only get flash back but it really felt like it could happen again at any moment.

It started getting worse and I didn’t even feel safe in my own home. When I was home alone and my dogs started barking I freaked out and got panic attacks every single time. Luckily my friends and family were always on stand by.

This lasted a long period of time and now, 2 years later, I still have so many issues and problems left by those couple of minutes in my life.

Like stated before I try not to go anywhere alone, I still have my occasional panic attacks and I even have some sort of fear of ‘new’ people. I never make eye contact with new people anymore and if I have to go somewhere I’ve never been before (that doesn’t feel safe yet) I either don’t go or try to get someone to go with me.

I’m working on all these things, but it takes a lot and sometimes you just get so frustrated with yourself you know.

But anyways, that was (is) my story and whatever the case, I got through it. I just blame those *ssholes for trapping me in this fearful state of mind.

Posted by

Just a millenial who loves to write, travel and hang out with friends and family!

6 thoughts on “Trapped in fear

  1. While reading this story, I again get this type of fear over me, which I remember feeling when we got the call that something happened to you! Thank you for sharing this, my brave friend!

    Like

  2. Wow my dear, you know how proud I’m of you. Your way of dealing with the things , happens in your life . Never forget God is your guide, when he’s in your heart there is no place for fear. Again;” respect respect respect” ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Reading your story reminds me of what happened to me, a very long time ago.
    I was also robbed, in my home. held at gunpoint and with my father and sister. we were helpless.
    luckily were survived this tragic incident, but the fear never goes away.
    I am now very afraid of the dark, am also afraid of being alone in my house.
    but I try my very best to be brave. talking about it also really helps and makes me very alert in certain situations.
    I wish for no one to go trough what we’ve been trough.
    it changes your life for ever.
    I am also very proud of you for sharing your story.

    Like

    1. I remember your case too! I don’t think I will ever forget it and you guys are so strong for dealing with it amd just moving on from it. That was a very intense situation especially since it was in your home! So I’m proud of you too!

      Like

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