So two things came to mind this morning (actually the past couple of weeks). For starters, the fact that I haven’t been writing for a while and secondly the fact that yesterday was World Mental Health Day. You wouldn’t guess it (well you actually could lol)… but those two things have a strong connection in my current situation.
Recently I had a little fall back mentally which made me not want to do anything I normally love to do. So no…I haven’t been writing. I wasn’t able to find the motivation to do so.
But then the last few days I’ve been thinking and talking to some friends and decided that I definitely should share this experience. After all…this blog is about empowerment, healing and being there for each other.
…Also… I’ve been sharing the most intimate parts of my life and my friends their lives on here so why not continue right?
Well as you know I had a “minor” incident with a couple of robbers about 2 years ago. They tried to rob me, push me in my car and take me to God only knows where to do God only knows what. (Need a reminder? Full details right here)
Anyways… a couple of weeks back I came home from work and got comfy on the couch to watch -whatever-series-I-was-watching-at-that-time. I was tired so I kind of fell asleep. Moments later I woke up from gunshots.. it was about 3 or 4 gunshots…
Now… you have to understand that usually..when you’re in your house and hear this you probably feel safe enough to just peep out of your window to see what’s going on. Especially when you live on the sixth floor, in a building full of camera’s where no one gets in or out without this certain hotel kind of key-card.. so yeah..pretty safe..
My neighbors where standing in the hall right in front of my door (my side of the building has the best view of the area the incident took place) and I heard them making jokes about everything that’s been going on downstairs.
Now mind you, many of them are friends and chill and hang out together all the time and I never really join. As u (hopefully) read before…I still have issues with meeting/being around new people, so I usually just keep to myself. So now there are like 7 people in front of my door and I just woke up with a mini heart attack…To completely try to fill you in on the situation, we have to go back to the time when the whole robbery thing happened.
You have to realize that in Suriname mental health issues are still pretty much taboo. Whatever happens in your life, you are instructed/advised/told to ‘get over it, and move on’.
So there I am, 2017, just literally fought for my life and the majority of the people around me are telling me to move on… The one shrink I went to told me to give it about 6 months because he can’t treat trauma right away. So even when you are looking for help you kind of feel like you can’t get any…so what do you do?…you shut up, (try to) get over it…and move on.
With anxiety, panic attacks, crying sessions and minor depression that come with it. You figure that that’s just what happens. It’s all part of living with this new part that has been evolving since you had to fight these two men off. No one needs to know because after all, you’re known for always smiling, living life and being happy..so let’s act like that’s still what you’re doing… Why?
Because the reality is that most people don’t actually want to know how you’re doing. Reality is often too real for our surroundings
(yeah…let that sink in for a minute)
Fast forward to about 1,5/ 2 months ago. Neighbors in the hallway joking about whats going on downstairs.
A man (clearly high on whatever substance) walking right at a (seemingly nervous) cop who already took 2 warning shots.
This whole sight took me right back to 2017 and everything that I have been pressing down just came right back up as if it had happened yesterday.
I started to cry and called a friend who lives on my floor. We went over to his place on the other side of the building, (took a shot..because a shot for a shot..right? #dryhumorismything) and tried to just calm myself down. When I thought that everything was over I went back to my own place thinking I was okay. But as most of us know…that moment alone makes for a true truth bomb experience to sneak up on you. And I was not okay.
My friends came over and honestly..haven’t been able to do anything by myself since then. Even going to the store gave me anxiety or a panic attack. The feelings I got when just thinking about going out of my house where insane. So I needed to get help…again.. Luckily I got some time off from work to work on these issues. I go to weekly EMDR sessions (I hate them with every fiber of my being but they do help), I try to focus on other things in my life that are going well, and I spent a lot of time with my friends (because I want to but also because I can only live my life with them right now)
I must say it’s been an intense couple of months. With doctors, psychologists and HR employees constantly in my life and I’m still not there yet. On top off that there’s just a lot going on in my head (will come back to that in another post)
So thanks to World Mental Health Day and my loved ones I decided to share this once again 🙂
The point of it all is… the well-known cliche saying… it’s okay to not be okay. Don’t let anyone tell you to just ‘get over it & move on’ because one day everything you’ve been cropping up will come out and it sucks! So just deal with your things the way you think is best.
Because the people who tell you to get over it don’t feel, experience or know what you need.
Only you know what’s best for you…right?