I was born Christian. Raised Moravian (EBG). Family was Christian, church every Sunday, Sunday school finished and all. On paper, I had the checklist.

But somewhere along the way, things got complicated. I have always believed in God. No question. But I never felt him. Like really felt him.

My “Fight” With God

When my father passed away, I got angry with God. Really angry. I couldn’t understand why. And while I still believed in Him, I was done. You can’t act like he’s gonna be better, than the next day put him in a coma to never wake again.

Done.

Didn’t feel like I needed Him. With each year passing my anger got less and less. but I still did not feel him in my soul, not in the way people talked about. You know the stories: “he is reborn”, “she found God”. I never had that dramatic “lightbulb moment.”

And then there was my issue with the Bible. Not the wild stories in it (honestly, half of them read like a Netflix series anyway). But the fact that it was written, rewritten, edited by people. Which means things were left out, things were emphasized, and maybe things were even added. Combine that with the way religion has been used in politics, colonization, and indoctrination, and… yeah, I’ve never fully trusted it.

So, I slowly went to church less. Prayed less. But I never stopped believing. God was always there, I just didn’t know how to connect.

The Encounter That Changed Everything

Years later, I had an encounter that woke something up in me. Through the energy of another person, I received messages from my father. She did not know he had passed away because it was a complete stranger, and she told be things she couldn’t have known about situations I havent even spoken about with the closest people around me. It was powerful. It cracked me open. My soul.

I started seeing messages. Or let’s say, I was open to seeing messages. Seeing signs and listening to my soul. (God)

That’s how spirituality entered my life. I started reading, digging, exploring. A good friend and the website lonerwolf.com guided me into what felt like “the unknown.” And slowly, I realized: this was the missing piece.

Spirituality: What It Means (to Me)

Spirituality is a big word, and it means different things to different people. For me, it’s about looking for purpose through reflection, stepping outside the ego, and feeling connected to something bigger than yourself.

You live it through prayer, meditation, rituals, acts of kindness, or simply showing love. These things bring peace, gratitude, wisdom, and self-awareness. And everyone’s path looks different because spirituality is personal.

At first, I was nervous about this. As a Christian, was I “betraying” my faith by needing something else? But then I called my family pastor. She gave me the peace I needed: it’s not either/or.

And she was right.

My Attention Span vs. Church

Here’s the other thing: I’m just not that into church. And if you know me, you know why. I can read for hours, no problem. But listening? Forget it.

Podcasts? My mind wanders after two minutes.
Classes? Two minutes.
Two people discussing something? Two minutes ->unless I’m in the conversation, then I’m all in.

Mix in a little social anxiety and large crowds and you have the complete ‘let’s not get out of the house’ mix.

Call it what you want, but if I’m not directly involved, my attention span is smaller than that of a goldfish. And don’t get me wrong, when my mind wanders, I’m not bored. I’m having a ball in there. My own inner conversations are highly entertaining.

So yeah… unless there’s a church of about five people, actively talking about God, religion, and being open to spirituality in the mix, you won’t find me in church that often.

That doesn’t mean my household isn’t Christian, it definitely is. My children 100% know God. We pray daily. We have our own Christian rituals (Shoutout to KB & Maverick City Music). We just do it our own way.

Christianity and Spirituality -> Not Versus

For me, it isn’t Christianity or spirituality. It’s both.

Spirituality makes me calmer, more understanding, more forgiving, more helpful. It makes me a better person for myself and for others. And when spirituality talks about “the white light,” “the higher power,” “unconditional love” that’s just God. It always has been.

God = Love.
God = Light.

It’s really that simple.

So I don’t choose. I combine. I pray. I meditate. I forgive. I try to live with more love and more awareness. And in that, I feel closer to God than I ever did by forcing myself into one box.

What About Spiritualism?

Now, don’t confuse this with spiritualism. That’s something completely different. Many people (mostly Christians) who knew I was spiritually awakening have been a little judgy and saying that I was busy with devilish things. Which is far from what it is. And even the concept what they’re talking about (spiritualism) is not quite that.

Spiritualism began in the 1800s in America and Europe. It’s a movement built on the belief that the souls of the dead can communicate with the living. Was it biblical? No. Was it about worshipping Satan? Also no. Spiritualists were not “devil worshippers,” but people searching for proof that life continues after death. For many, it was actually rooted in grief, hope, and the longing to stay connected with loved ones.

Now, my understanding it, doesn’t mean I practice it, I don’t. My path is about deepening my connection with God, listening to my soul, and being open to His signs. But I think it’s important to be accurate: spiritualism was never about serving the devil. It was simply a historical movement with its own ideas, very different from both Christianity and from the way I live out my spirituality today.

So to conclude

Religion gave me a foundation. Spirituality gave me connection. Together, they gave me peace.

And at the end of the day, whether you call it Christianity, spirituality, or something else, it comes down to the same thing: unconditional love.

P.s

Have a blessed Christmas 😊🎄